


Marauders' Texts

by YouMayKnowMeAsAngel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Crack, Drunk Texting, Fluff, Humor, Marauders' Era, Sirius is probably a stripper and no one is surprised, Texting, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, idek, what am i, what is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-03-16 18:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3497660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouMayKnowMeAsAngel/pseuds/YouMayKnowMeAsAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of texting conversations between four idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glitter Sucks

**Author's Note:**

> Do I know what this is? No I fucking don’t.

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:30 am)_

_moony_

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:31 am)_

_moony_

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:32 am)_

_moony_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:33 am)

Sirius it's 4:30 in the fucking morning what could you possibly want

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:34 am)_

_im locked out of the flat let me in_

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:37 am)_

_moony im serious_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:38 am)

Hold on just give me a moment

(Remus to Sirius at 4:40 am)

Why are you outside the flat at 4:30 in the morning?

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:41am)_

_does it fucking matter?!?! let me in_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:42 am)

Wait I can see you through my window

(Remus to Sirius at 4:43 am)

You’re half naked

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:44 am)_

_shut up_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:45 am)

And sparkling

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:46 am)_

_ive had a long night just let me in_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:47 am)

Why are you half naked and sparkling?

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:48 am)_

_because im a fucking princess now let me in_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:49 am)

Are you drunk?

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:50 am)_

_im drunk enough to be indecent but sober enough to text_

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:50 am)_

_LET ME IN_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:51 am)

Not until you tell me what happened I'm owed that much

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:52 am)_

_james and i went to a party with lily and he got really drunk and stole my shirt and lily drove us both home but my keys were with the shirt and james is too drunk to return them so you really neED TO LET ME IN!!!_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:53 am)

But that doesn’t tell me why you’re sparkling

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:54 am)_

_it also doesn’t tell me why you’re an asshole let me in you stupid shit_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:55 am)

You look like a stripper

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:56 am)_

_REMUS I SWEAR TO FUCK_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:57 am)

Now you look like an angry stripper

_(Sirius to Remus at 4:58 am)_

_LET ME IN YOU BASTARD_

(Remus to Sirius at 4:59 am)

Think of this as revenge for the pooper scooper prank

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:00 am)_

_REMUS!!!!!!!!!!_

_(Sirus to Remus at 5:01 am)_

_REMUS I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING YOU DICK THIS ISN’T FUNNY_

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:02 am)_

_I AM A YOUNG HALF NAKED MAN COVERED IN GLITTER ON THE STREETS OF LONDON I RUN THE RISK OF DEFLOWERMENT_

(Remus to Sirius at 5:03 am)

Sirius you were “deflowered” years ago

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:04 am)_

_im gonna deflower yoUR FACE if you don't let me in!!!_

(Remus to Sirius at 5:05 am)

That probably sounded less gay in your head

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:06 am)_

_SHUT UP YOU ASS AND LET ME IN BEFORE MY TITS FALL OFF FROM THE COLD_

(Remus to Sirius at 5:07 am)

Hold on to your tits I’ll let you in

(Remus to Sirius at 5:08 am)

But only if you do the dishes for a week

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:09 am)_

_fine yes whatever just come down and open the door_

(Remus to Sirius at 5:10 am)

Alright I’m coming

(Remus to Sirius at 5:10 am)

Don’t get glitter on the bed

_(Sirius to Remus at 5:11 am)_

_fuck you_


	2. The Fault in Our Marauders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh heeeeeeeey gurl how you doin?
> 
>  **WARNING:** Talk of sex. Whatareyagonnado?
> 
> Also, I apologize ahead of time for all the references. Sorry. Like, seriously. I'm sorry.

**(James to Sirius at 1:30 pm)**

**ok ok so how about…**

**(James to Sirius at 1:30 pm)**

**a gryffindor and a hufflepuff?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:31 pm)_

_starting off with the easy ones eh?_

**(James to Sirius at 1:32 pm)**

**hold on who said that was easy**

_(Sirius to James at 1:33 pm)_

_uh, everybody???? that couple is fucking adorable_

_(Sirius to James at 1:34 pm)_

_nuff said_

**(James to Sirius at 1:35 pm)**

**yeah but WHY?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:36 pm)_

_you want me to go into detail? ugh_

**(James to Sirius at 1:37 pm)**

**go big or go home honey bunch**

_(Sirius to James at 1:38 pm)_

_suck my cock tootsiepoo_

_(Sirius to James at 1:39 pm)_

_but it’s so obvious why it would be cute af_

_(Sirius to James at 1:39 pm)_

_i mean_

_(Sirius to James at 1:40 pm)_

_you got your outspoken gryffindor living it up and loving life and then you got your hufflepuff bouncing around after them like a besotted puppy_

_(Sirius to James at 1:40 pm)_

_its the cutest shit_

**(James to Sirius at 1:41 pm)**

**but come on the hufflepuff wouldn’t be the only one hopelessly enamored cuz i feel like the gryffindor would kiss the huff all over their face and like take them out on the roof to look at the stars and all the crap you see in bad teenage romance movies**

**(James ot Sirius at 1:41 pm)**

**the ones with the Smashmouth soundtracks**

_(Sirius to James at 1:42 pm)_

_oh yeah they’d totally be the really annoying couple that snuggle everywhere_

_(Sirius to James at 1:42 pm)_

_like wtf you’re in public you fucktards_

**(James to Sirius at 1:43 pm)**

**why do you always swear when you express how adorable you find something?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:44 pm)_

_shut up i need to re-exert my manliness_

**(James to Sirius at 1:45 pm)**

**you sound like a 14 year old boy screeching “no homo”**

_(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)_

_yes homo_

_(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)_

_all the homo_

_(Sirius to James at 1:46 pm)_

_buckets and buckets of homo_

**(James to Sirius at 1:47 pm)**

**totally showing that to moony**

_(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)_

_*gasps* you WOULDN’T_

_(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)_

_actually go ahead he might get excited_

_(Sirius to James at 1:48 pm)_

_our epic love story can finally begin_

**(James to Sirius at 1:49 pm)**

***ques All Star by Smashmouth***

**(James to Sirius at 1:49 pm)**

**someBODY ONCE TOLD ME**

_(Sirius to James at 1:50 pm)_

_bitch please you KNOW my movie with moony would be full of zeppelin_

**(James to Sirius at 1:51 pm)**

**but come on padfoot…**

**(James to Sirius at 1:52 pm)**

**And then you saw his FACE**

_(Sirius to James at 1:53 pm)_

_Stop. Right now. Don’t go down that path._

**(James to Sirius at 1:56 pm)**

**god i can practically hear moony rolling his eyes**

_(Sirius to James at 1:57 pm)_

_the only thing i can hear is pete wanking in the room next to me_

**(James to Sirius at 1:58 pm)**

**wait srsly?!**

_(Sirius to James at 1:59 pm)_

_idk i kinda tuned it out with some music awhile ago_

_(Sirius to James at 1:59 pm)_

_he should be done by now_

**(James to Sirius at 2:00 pm)**

**somehow i feel as though we’re getting off topic**

_(Sirius to James at 2:01 pm)_

_right_

_(Sirius to James at 2:02 pm)_

_what were we talking about?_

**(James to Sirius at 2:03 pm)**

**hufflepuff and gryffindor relationships being fucking adorable**

_(Sirius to James at 2:04)_

_oh yeah…they’re the couple that gets married after school. End of discussion_

**(James to Sirius at 2:05 pm)**

**but what about their sexual relationship??? ;)**

_(Sirius to James at 2:06 pm)_

_oh we’re doing that too?_

**(James to Sirius at 2:06 pm)**

**you bet your leather covered arse we are**

_(Sirius to James at 2:07 pm)_

_ok just give me a minute_

_(Sirius to James at 2:07 pm)_

_(and i’ll have you know my arse looks great in leather)_

_(Sirius to James at 2:08 pm)_

_eh i’d say they’re pretty vanilla and overly romantic_

_(Sirius to James at 2:08 pm)_

_like they’d be the couple that says “i love you” after every hump_

**(James to Sirius at 2:09 pm)**

**yeah their sex would probably MEAN something**

_(Sirius to James at 2:10 pm)_

_*shudders*_

**(James to Sirius at 2:11 pm)**

**come on it can’t be that bad**

_(Sirius to James at 2:12 pm)_

_you’re only saying that because that’s exactly how you have sex with evans_

**(James to Sirius at 2:13 pm)**

**you know what you can shut your whore mouth Mr. Brood Until Someone Notices Me**

_(Sirius to James at 2:14 pm)_

_please you know the ladies love a brooding man_

**(James to Sirius at 2:14 pm)**

**i think they’re more interested in your leather pants**

_(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)_

_pfft who wouldn’t be?_

_(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)_

_besides you of course_

_(Sirius to James at 2:15 pm)_

_bloody prude_

**(James to Sirius at 2:16 pm)**

**anyone would be a prude compared to you**

**(James to Sirius at 2:16 pm)**

**you scarlet woman**

_(Sirius to James at 2:17 pm)_

_heheh haven’t been called that since moony caught that girl sneaking out of my room last month_

_(Sirius to Jams at 2:17 pm)_

_…who was she again?_

**(James to Sirius at 2:18 pm)**

**the blonde one?**

_(Sirius to James at 2:19 pm)_

_no the brunette_

_(Sirius to James at 2:19 pm)_

_wait i think she was a ravenclaw at hogwarts_

**(James to Sirius at 2:20 pm)**

**SPEAKING of ravenclaws…**

_(Sirius to James at 2:21 pm)_

_hoe don’t do it_

**(James to Sirius at 2:22 pm)**

**oh come on it’s fun**

**(James to Sirius at 2:22 pm)**

**now tell me about the relationship between a gryffindor and a ravenclaw**

_(Sirius to James at 2:23 pm)_

_why are we doing this?_

**(James to Sirius at 2:24 pm)**

**social experiment**

_(Sirius to James at 2:25 pm)_

_bullshit_

**(James to Sirius at 2:26 pm)**

**fine I'm bored and your answers amuse me**

_(Sirius to James at 2:27 pm)_

_sure go ahead and treat me like a circus act_

**(James to Sirius at 2:28 pm)**

**shut up you like being treated like a circus act**

_(Sirius to James at 2:29 pm)_

_course I do_

_(Sirius to James at 2:29 pm)_

_there’s whipping involved ;)_

**(James to Sirius at 2:30 pm)**

**just get on with it you kinky son of a bitch**

_(Sirius to James at 2:31 pm)_

_fine fine fine_

_(Sirius to James at 2:31 pm)_

_pushy bastard_

_(Sirius to James at 2:32 pm)_

_a relationship between a gryffindor and a ravenclaw would be challenging cuz the gryff is all “hey lets go poke that with a stick” and the raven’s all like “no we shouldn’t poke that with a stick because it can kill you and other boring stuff that no one cares about”_

_(Sirius to James at 2:33 pm)_

_not that it couldn’t be a good thing though i mean they definitely balance each other out_

_(Sirius to James at 2:33 pm)_

_i just know that I have a problem with ravenclaws who act like they know better than me. I admire their determination though, and brains are DEFINITELY a turn on_

**(James to Sirius at 2:34 pm)**

**yeah and you have to admit those couples last a pretty long time**

_(Sirius to James at 2:35 pm)_

_but they always have a gigantic fight where they don’t talk to each other for like two months_

**(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)**

**oh yeah you’re right i remember those**

**(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)**

**ok next question**

**(James to Sirius at 2:36 pm)**

**sexy times**

_(Sirius to James at 2:37 pm)_

_buy me dinner first you eager beaver_

**(James to Sirius at 2:38 pm)**

**you’re hilarious**

_(Sirius to James at 2:39 pm)_

_i try_

**(James to Sirius at 2:40 pm)**

**give me the details of their sexual relationship**

_(Sirius to James at 2:41 pm)_

_ok gurl i gotchu_

_(Sirius to James at 2:42 pm)_

_so get this_

_(Sirius to James at 2:43 pm)_

_the gryff will be all like “let’s have sex on that desk” and the raven’s like “no sirius my homework is on that desk” and the gryff is like “fuck that corporate bullshit” and tackles the ravenclaw onto the desk and then the raven gets all mad but secretly happy because HELLO naked sirius_

**(James to Sirius at 2:45 pm)**

**…**

**(James to Sirius at 2:45 pm)**

**sirius i don’t want to hear about your personal sexual escapades that’s gross**

_(Sirius to James at 2:46 pm)_

_well then_

**(James to Sirius at 2:47 pm)**

**wait no I'm sorry that came out wrong don’t be mad**

_(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)_

_you hurt me james_

_(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)_

_you hurt me real deep_

_(Sirius to James at 2:48 pm)_

_after all the shit i put up with during your pre-evans shagging years this is how i’m treated_

**(James to Sirius at 2:49 pm)**

**im sorry**

_(Sirius to James at 2:50)_

_i can’t hear yoooouuuuu_

**(James to Sirius at 2:51 pm)**

**we’re texting**

_(Sirius to James at 2:52 pm)_

_excuses excuses_

**(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)**

**omg fine**

**(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)**

**IM SORRY**

**(James to Sirius at 2:52 pm)**

**you happy?**

_(Sirius to James at 2:53 pm)_

_not in this economy_

_(Sirius to James at 2:53 pm)_

_*ba-dum tiss*_

**(James to Sirius at 2:54 pm)**

**you need help**

_(Sirius to James at 2:55 pm)_

_what i really need is a smoke_

_(Sirius to James at 2:55 pm)_

_but moony is being a butt and hid the box of cigarettes_

**(James to Sirius at 2:56 pm)**

**as he should**

_(Sirius to James at 2:56 pm)_

_c’mon prongs let me have my filthy habit_

**(James to Sirius at 2:57 pm)**

**you have enough of those already**

_(Sirius to James at 2:58 pm)_

_but i neeeeeed them_

**(James to Sirius at 2:59 pm)**

**cancer sticks**

_(Sirius to James at 3:00 pm)_

_it’s a metaphor_

**(James to Sirius at 3:01 pm)**

**omg do not go quoting tfios again**

**(James to Sirius at 3:01 pm)**

**you haven’t even read the book**

_(Sirius to James at 3:02 pm)_

_but i’m a grenade prongs_

**(James to Sirius at 3:03 pm)**

**NO**

_(Sirius to James at 3:04 pm)_

_wait wait wait i got a good one_

_(Sirius to James at 3:04 pm)_

_i fell in love like peter farts: slowly, and then all at once_

**(James to Sirius at 3:05 pm)**

**fuck you**

_(Sirius to James at 3:06 pm)_

_maybe fuck will be our always_

_(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)_

_HA_

**(James to Sirius at 3:06 pm)**

**THATS IT**

**(James to Sirius at 3:06 pm)**

**you leave me no choice**

_(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)_

_what?_

_(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)_

_wait_

_(Sirius to James at 3:07 pm)_

_NO_

**(James to Sirius at 3:08 pm)**

**i have to do it**

_(Sirius to James at 3:09 pm)_

_DONT YOU FUCKING DARE_

**(James to Sirius at 3:09 pm)**

**you brought this on yourself**

_(Sirius to James at 3:10 pm)_

_PRONGS PLS_

**(James to Sirius at 3:11 pm)**

**describe the relationship between a slytherin and a gryffindor**

_(Sirius to James at 3:12 pm)_

_no_

**(James to Sirius at 3:13 pm)**

**sirius…**

_(Sirius to James at 3:14 pm)_

_i don’t wanna_

**(James to Sirius at 3:15 pm)**

**you have to! You did it for all the others**

_(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)_

_well yeah cuz all the others didn’t come from a house of pricks_

_(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)_

_lol that sounds like a sitcom_

_(Sirius to James at 3:16 pm)_

_House of Pricks_

**(James to Sirius at 3:17 pm)**

**Sirius. Mate. Concentrate.**

_(Sirius to James at 3:18 pm)_

_James. Bastard. Fuck off._

**(James to Sirius at 3:19 pm)**

**if you don’t i’m telling wormy and moony that marlene got you to wear a girdle last halloween**

_(Sirius to James at 3:20 pm)_

_ok so the first thing you’ve got to consider with the relationship is that they’re both really competitive_

**(James to Sirius at 3:21 pm)**

**yes yes go on…**

_(Sirius to James at 3:22 pm)_

_ugh do i really have to? i feel like i'm being castrated or something_

**(James to Sirius at 3:23 pm)**

**i think castration would hurt worse than that but whatever YES YOU HAVE TO DO IT**

**(James to Sirius at 3:23 pm)**

**think of the girdle**

_(Sirius to James at 3:24 pm)_

_*groans for years*_

_(Sirius to James at 3:24 pm)_

_you’re a dick_

**(James to Sirius at 3:25 pm)**

**good thing you like dicks**

**(James to Sirius at 3:25 pm)**

**heheheh**

_(Sirius to James at 3:26 pm)_

_you’re not funny and you will rue this day but fine_

_(Sirus to James at 3:26 pm)_

_so since they're both pretty competitive that would be a problem (ugh i hate this) but i have a feeling that there would always be something there to draw them back (this is gross) and the whole thing would probably be really dramatic and gossip worthy (u suck) so it would be interesting to keep track of_

_(Sirius to James at 3:26 pm)_

_THERE R U HAPPY_

**(James to Sirius at 3:27 pm)**

**eh it’s acceptable**

_(Sirius to James at 3:28 pm)_

_thank fuck_

**(James to Sirius at 3:28 pm)**

**now describe their sex life**

_(Sirius to James at 3:29 pm)_

_y_

_(Sirius to James at 3:29 pm)_

_y u do this_

**(James to Sirius at 3:30 pm)**

**girdle**

_(Sirius to James at 3:31 pm)_

_i hate u_

**(James to Sirius at 3:31 pm)**

**GIRDLE**

_(Sirius to James at 3:32 pm)_

_FINE_

_(Sirius to James at 3:32 pm)_

_swallowing back vomit_

**(James to Sirius at 3:33 pm)**

**stay strong my love**

_(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)_

_here i go_

_(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)_

_one thing I've always kinda figured about slytherins is that they’re the kinkiest bitches in the history of kinky bitches like they would be into whips, handcuffs, toys, the whole shebang_

_(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)_

_and gryffindors are pretty experimental i mean it would take some convincing but they would probably jump right in_

_(Sirius to James at 3:34 pm)_

_and even if there wasn’t any kinky stuff involved the two would have a whole lot of fun in the bedroom and if they ever fought they would most likely make up with a buttload of angry sex_

**(James to Sirius at 3:35 pm)**

**lol you said buttload**

_(Sirius to James at 3:36 pm)_

_stfu i did what you asked_

**(James to Sirius at 3:37 pm)**

**yes you did...i wasn’t expecting that**

**(James to Sirius at 3:37 pm)**

**gee sirius i didn’t know how often you think of slytherins and sex ;)**

_(Sirius to James at 3:38 pm)_

_omfg that’s not what that was, go die_

**(James to Sirius at 3:39 pm)**

**i dunno it sounded like you’ve considered it before**

_(Sirius to James at 3:40 pm)_

_only when i’m like super drunk_

_(Sirius to James at 3:40 pm)_

_but when i’m sober slytherins are disgusting assholes who are WAY too full of themselves_

**(James to Sirius at 3:41 pm)**

**agreed**

**(James to Sirius at 3:41 pm)**

**hey should we do the other house’s pairings like a ravenclaw and hufflepuff pairings?**

_(Sirius to James at 3:42 pm)_

_why should we? gryffindor’s are the fucking greatest_

**(James to Sirius at 3:42 pm)**

**true dat**

_(Sirius to James at 3:43 pm)_

_like i honestly can’t think of a single thing wrong with us we’re just so goddam great_

_(Sirius to James at 3:43 pm)_

_ok i gotta go booby trap moony’s bedsheets_

**(James to Sirius at 3:44 pm)**

**the fart bombs are in my closet**

_(Sirius to James at 3:45 pm)_

_thanks babe_

**(James to Sirius at 3:46 pm)**

**< 3**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, first off, I'm sorry to all the hufflepuffs, ravenclaws, and slytherins out there. Please remember that Sirius and James are idiots. You guys are beautiful people with awesome sex lives. Probably.
> 
> On another note, I think the phrase "buckets and buckets of homo" pretty much sums up my fan fiction experience. Amiright?


	3. Just be cool dude

(Peter to Sirius at 1:15 pm)

um padfoot?

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:17 pm)_

_waddya want_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:18 pm)

how do you get chocolate stains out of white carpet???

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:19 pm)_

_…_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:19 pm)_

_are you at your mother’s house?_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:20 pm)

yes

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:21 pm)_

_omg this is too good i gotta go tell prongs_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:22 pm)

wait no

(Peter to Sirius at 1:24 pm)

SIRIUS

(Peter to Sirius at 1:26 pm)

sirius the woman is a monster IM GOING TO DIE HELP ME

:

:

:

 

_(Sirius to James at 1:22 pm)_

_guuuuurl have i got something to tell you_

**(James to Sirius at 1:23 pm)**

**ooo spill**

_(Sirius to James at 1:24 pm)_

_peter just told me he stained chocolate on his mom’s white carpet_

**(James to Sirius at 1:25 pm)**

**LOL that’s hilarious!!!**

_(Sirius to James at 1:26 pm)_

_ikr he’s so dead_

**(James to Sirius at 1:27 pm)**

**so what’d you tell him?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:28 pm)_

_huh?_

**(James to Sirius at 1:29 pm)**

**what’d you tell peter?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:30 pm)_

_what?_

**(James to Sirius 1:31 pm)**

**when Peter told you about the chocolate what’d you text him?**

_(Sirius to James at 1:31 pm)_

_…_

**(James to Sirius at 1:31 pm)**

**you didn’t say anything, did you**

_(Sirius to James at 1:31 pm)_

_hold on a sec_

**(James to Sirius at 1:32 pm)**

**padfoot u little shit**

:

:

:

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:32 pm)_

_hey im back u dead yet?_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:38 pm)_

_…?_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:45 pm)_

_dude wtf r u ok?_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:50 pm)

sirius

(Peter to Sirius at 1:50 pm)

i am hiding in a closet

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:51 pm)_

_omg not you too_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:51 pm)_

_you and moony need to get your sexuality shit together_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:52 pm)

no you don’t understand

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:53 pm)_

_shhh wormy don’t worry i gotchur back_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:53 pm)_

_ill be there for you man_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:53 pm)_

_right there at your side_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:54 pm)_

_every breath you take_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:54 pm)_

_every move you make_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:54 pm)_

_i’ll be watchin you_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:55 pm)

I DONT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR GODDAM ENGLISH ROCK BULLSHIT I AM HIDING FROM MY MOTHER

( _Sirius to Peter at 1:56 pm)_

_dude_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:56 pm)_

_chill_

(Peter to Sirius at 1:57 pm)

ITS PRETTY HARD TO CHILL WHEN THE ANTICHRIST IS HUNTING YOU DOWN

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:58 pm)_

_*gasp*_

_(Sirius to Peter at 1:59 pm)_

_how dare you call your mother the antichrist have you no shame_

(Peter to Sirius at 2:00 pm)

last week you called her a bag of toad vomit

(Peter to Sirius at 2:01 pm)

to her face

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:02 pm)_

_oh yeah_

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:02 pm)_

_ha ha that was a good one #teamsirius_

(Peter to Sirius at 2:03 pm)

sirius pls

(Peter to Sirius at 2:03 pm)

im so scared rn

(Peter to Sirius at 2:03 pm)

there are spiders in here

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:04 pm)_

_oh shit why didn’t you say that_

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:04 om)_

_idk how to help you bro why did you text me_

(Peter to Sirius at 2:05 pm)

cuz prongs would get distracted by something shiny

(Peter to Sirius at 2:05 pm)

and moony would be too lazy to help and would probably take my mum’s side

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:06 pm)_

_dam wormy throwing DOWN_

(Peter to Sirius at 2:07 pm)

omg she’s coming down the hallway

(Peter to Sirius at 2:07 pm)

SIRIUS SHES COMING DOWN THE FUCKING HALLWAY

(Peter to Sirius at 2:07 pm)

WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:08 pm)_

_SHIT MAN BE COOL BE COOL_

_(Sirius to Peter at 2:08 pm)_

_ok we just gotta find someone scarier than your mom right???_

(Peter to Sirius at 2:09 pm)

JESUS CHRIST YES 

_(Peter to Sirius at 2:10 pm)_

_alright i got just the person_

:

:

:

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:11 pm)_

_heeeeeeeeey evans_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 2:12 pm)_ **

**_no_ **

****_(Sirius to Lily at 2:13 pm)_

_i haven’t even asked you yet_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 2:14 pm)_ **

**_whatever it is, no_ **

****_(Sirius to Lily at 2:15 pm)_

_dam gurl y u gotta be so salty_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:15 pm)_

_friggin ginger_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 2:16 pm)_ **

**_what’s going on?_ **

****_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_oh nothing much_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_just chilling at home_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_catching up on top model_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_crying over zayne leaving 1d_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_planning peter’s funeral_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_enjoying a low calorie snack_

_(Sirius to Lily at 2:17 pm)_

_the usual_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 2:18 pm)_ **

**_wait_ **

:

:

:

**_(Lily to Peter at 2:23 pm)_ **

**_peter are you alright???_ **

**** (Peter to Lily at 2:24 pm)

lily? is that you?

**_(Lily to Peter at 2:25 pm)_ **

**_yes it’s me are you alright???_ **

**** (Peter to Lily at 2:26 pm)

oh thank god

(Peter to Lily at 2:26 pm)

my hero has come

(Peter to Lily at 2:26 pm)

god bless you lily evans

(Peter to Lily at 2:26 pm)

god bless you

**_(Lily to Peter at 2:27 pm)_ **

**_that’s it im coming over_ **

****:

:

:

_(Sirius to James at 2:27 pm)_

_dude your girlfriend’s gonna take down mrs. toad vomit_

_(Sirius to James at 2:27 pm)_

_wanna watch?_

**(James to Sirius at 2:28 pm)**

**dude i am THERE**

  
****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GET READY FOR THE SHOW DOWN!!!!!!


	4. The Ginger is a Dangerous Beast

**_(Lily to James at 3:03 pm)_ **

**_james?_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:05 pm)**

**hellooo my one and only**

**_(Lily to James at 2:06 pm)_ **

**_sirius broke_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:07 pm)**

**wat?**

**_(Lily to James at 2:08 pm)_ **

**_i think i broke sirius and i don't know what to do_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:09 pm)**

**calm down it's probably nothing**

**(James to Lily at 3:09 pm)**

**what did you do?**

**_(Lily to James at 3:10 pm)_ **

**_it's bad_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:10 pm)_ **

**_real bad_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:10 pm)_ **

**_like fear for my life kind of bad_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:11 pm)**

**don't worry you could kick his ass babe**

**_(Lily to James at 3:12 pm)_ **

**_pssssh please i know that_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:12 pm)_ **

**_i'm just afraid cuz i don't know if ill be able to live with myself_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:13 pm)**

**lol ok now i'm a bit scared what did you do?**

**_(Lily to James at 3:14 pm)_ **

**_…_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:14 pm)_ **

**_i got bubble gum in his hair_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:15 pm)**

**oh shit**

**_(Lily to James at 3:16 pm)_ **

**_i know what should i do?_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:16 pm)_ **

**_he smacked my hand when i tried to fix it and then ran away_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:17 pm)**

**oh god he ran away?**

**(James to Lily at 3:17 pm)**

**lily honey we are in some deep shit right now**

**(James to Lily at 3:17 pm)**

**try to contact him**

**_(Lily to James 3:18 pm)_ **

**_k_ **

:

:

:

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:18 pm)_ **

**_sirius?_ **

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:18 pm)_ **

**_sirius i'm sorry i got gum in your hair_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:19 pm)_

_no ur not_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:20 pm)_ **

**_yes i am i promise_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:21 pm)_

_why must we lie to each other?_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:22 pm)_ **

**_i'm not lying i'm really really very sorry_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:23 pm)_

_i'm hurting evans_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:23 pm)_

_i'm hurting so bad_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:23 pm)_

_and i thought what we had was spECIAL_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:24 pm)_ **

**_padfoot wait_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:25 pm)_

_NO_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:25 pm)_

_YOU DONT GET TO CALL ME THAT_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:25 pm)_

_YOU LIFE DESTROYER_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:26 pm)_ **

**_sirius calm down it's just hair_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:27 pm)_

_…_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:27 pm)_

_wat did you just say to me?_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:28 pm)_ **

**_oh shit_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:29 pm)_

_wat did you juST SAY TO ME?!_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:30 pm)_ **

**_nothing! forget i said anything i didn't mean it i swear!_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:31 pm)_

_NO_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:32 pm)_

_YOU DARE TELL ME THAT MY HAIR ISN'T you know what you're not worth getting upset over buh-bye have a nice life_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:33 pm)_ **

**_omg can you please tell me where you are? james is worried sick_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:34 pm)_

_as he should be_

_(Sirus to Lily at 3:34 pm)_

_my hair looks terrible_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:34 pm)_

_no thanks to yoooooouuuuuuu_

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:35 pm)_ **

**_sirius this is ridiculous i said i was sorry please come back_ **

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:35 pm)_ **

**_just tell me where you are and i can help fix your hair_ **

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:38 pm)_ **

**_sirius?_ **

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:41 pm)_ **

**_hello?_ **

**_(Lily to Sirius at 3:45 pm)_ **

**_are you still alive?_ **

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:46 pm)_

_no_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:36 pm)_

_i'm going off into the world to brood handsomely_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:36 pm)_

_foul ginger, i bid thee farewell_

_(Sirius to Lily at 3:36 pm)_

_tell james i love him_

:

:

:

**_(Lily to James at 3:37 pm)_ **

**_he says he loves you_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:38 pm)**

**SHIT CODE TANGERINE CODE TANGERINE WE NEED TO FIND HIM ASAP**

**_(Lily to James at 3:39 pm)_ **

**_what the hell is code tangerine?!_ **

**(James to Lily at 3:40 pm)**

**NO TIME TO EXPLAIN JUST GO GO GO**

**_(Lily to James at 3:41 pm)_ **

**_go do what?!_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:43 pm)_ **

**_james?!_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:46 pm)_ **

**_JAMES_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:49 pm)_ **

**_that's IT i am so DONE with you losers!_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:49 pm)_ **

**_i'm gonna go eat my weight in ice cream_ **

**_(Lily to James at 3:49 pm)_ **

**_goddammit_ **

:

:

:

**(James to Remus at 3:41 pm)**

**REMUS**

(Remus to James at 3:42 pm)

Chocolate what chocolate I don't know about any chocolate I think Peter ate it what are you saying how dare you accuse me of eating your secret stash of chocolate

**(James to Remus at 3:43 pm)**

**oh for fuck's sake remus i know you ate it**

**(James to Remus at 3:43 pm)**

**but that's not important right now**

(Remus to James at 3:44 pm)

…Really?

**(James to Remus at 3:45 pm)**

**well i mean i was mad at first but then i figured that the best way to get back at you would be to OMG WHAT AM I SAYING WE ARE IN PANIC MODE SHIT SHIT SHIT PAY ATTENTION**

(Remus to James at 3:46 pm)

What?!

**(James to Remus at 3:47 pm)**

**E**

**(James to Remus at 3:47 pm)**

**CODE TANGERINE**

(Remus to James at 3:48 pm)

Oh Lord not your stupid coding system again

**(James to Remus at 3:49 pm)**

**for the last time it's necESSARY**

(Remus to James at 3:50 pm)

Hold on I can't remember what code tangerine is…

(Remus to James at 3:40 pm)

Is Peter on fire again?

**(James to Remus at 3:51 pm)**

**NO THAT WAS LAST WEEK**

(Remus to James at 3:52 pm)

Doesn't mean he can't be on fire now

**(James to Remus at 3:52 pm)**

**stop it with the sarcastic!remus thing it is not helping and you are a turd**

**(James to Remus at 3:52 pm)**

**code tangerine is for when something goes wrong with sirius' hair**

**(James to Remus at 3:52 pm)**

**and he throws a tantrum**

**(James to Remus at 3:52 pm)**

**and runs away**

**(James to Remus at 3:52 pm)**

**and says he loves me**

(Remus to James at 3:53 pm)

Wow that is an oddly specific code

**(James to Remus at 3:54 pm)**

**yeah cuz he does this like every other fucking week**

**(James to Remus at 3:54 pm)**

**stupid sirius and his stupid fancy hair**

(Remus to James at 3:55 pm)

While I would normally agree with that statement, don't you think that this is all a bit much?

**(James to Remus at 3:56 pm)**

**wat?**

(Remus to James at 3:57 pm)

I mean Sirius will most likely calm down in a little bit and come back home, there's no need to make a big fuss

**(James to Remus at 3:58 pm)**

**i don't understand wat ur tryin to say bro**

(Remus to James at 3:59 pm)

You're overreacting

**(James to Remus at 4:00 pm)**

**no YOU'RE overreacting**

(Remus to James at 4:01 pm)

James there's no need to get defensive you dingus

**(James to Remus at 4:02 pm)**

**no YOU'RE the dingus**

(Remus to James at 4:03 pm)

Go talk to Peter

**(James to Remus at 4:04 pm)**

**no YOU go talk to peter**

**(James to Remus at 4:04 pm)**

**actually that's a pretty good idea imma go do that ily moony**

(Remus to James at 4:05 pm)

I know

**(James to Remus at 4:06 pm)**

**did you just fuCKING HAN SOLO ME?! NO ONE HAN SOLOS ME IM GONNA FUCK YOU UP M8 WTF**

(Remus to James at 4:07 pm)

I'd like to see you try you disappointing noodle

**(James to Remus at 4:08 pm)**

**oh god not the insults anything but the insults**

(Remus to James at 4:09 pm)

Unwanted toast crumb

**(James to remus at 4:10 pm)**

**no**

(Remus to James at 4:11 pm)

Pathetic piece of shoelace

**(James to Remus at 4:12 pm)**

**stop plsssss**

(Remus to James at 4:13 pm)

Room temperature milk

**(James to Remus at 4:14 pm)**

**it BURNSSSSS**

(Remus to James at 4:15 pm)

Floral patterned shower curtain

**(James to Remus at 4:16 pm)**

**AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH**

(Remus to James at 4:17 pm)

*whispers* orange lunchbox

**(James to Remus at 4:18 pm)**

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

:

:

:

**(James to Peter at 4:19 pm)**

**PETER**

(Peter to James at 4:20 pm)

SHIT WHAT DID I DO

(Peter to James at 4:20)

WHATEVER IT WAS IM SO FUCKING SORRY SIRIUS MADE ME DO IT PROBABLY

**(James to Peter at 4:21 pm)**

**DO I LOOK LIKE A LUNCH BOX**

(Peter to James at 4:22 pm)

wait wat

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**DO**

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**I**

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**LOOK**

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**LIKE**

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**A**

**(James to Peter at 4:22 pm)**

**LUNCHBOX?!**

(Peter to James at 4:23 pm)

uh

(Peter to James at 4:23 pm)

is this a trick question?

(Peter to James at 4:23 pm)

like is there a wrong and right answer?

**(James to Peter at 4:24 pm)**

**OF COURSE THERE'S A BLOODY RIGHT ANSWER**

**(James to Peter at 4:24 pm)**

**IT'S "NO JAMES YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LUNCHBOX YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL PEICE OF MAN AND MOONY IS MOST LIKELY JUST JEALOUS AND WILL DIE ALONE"**

(Peter to James at 4:25 pm)

right ok i got this

(Peter to James at 4:25 pm)

no james you don't look like a fucking lunchbox you're a beautiful piece of man and moony is most likely just jealous and will die alone

**(James to Peter at 4:26 pm)**

**THANK you**

**(James to Peter at 4:26 pm)**

**yeesh**

**(James to Peter at 4:26 pm)**

**these bitches are ruining my life smh**

**(James to Peter at 4:26 pm)**

**oh code tangerine btw almost forgot**

(Peter to James at 4:27 pm)

WHAT?!

(Peter to James at 4:27 pm)

BLOODY HELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER

**(James to Peter at 4:28 pm)**

**uh, duh? my self confidence was at stake? that takes priority?**

**(James to Peter at 4:28 pm)**

**wait hold up…do you know what code tangerine means?**

(Peter to James at 4:29 pm)

of course i fucking do

(Peter to James at 4:29 pm)

code tangerine is when something goes wrong with sirius' hair and he throws a tantrum and runs away and then says he loves you

(Peter to James at 4:29 pm)

why'd you ask if i knew what it meant?

**(James to Peter at 4:30 pm)**

**idk i thought you might have forgotten**

(Peter to James at 4:31 pm)

why would i forget? that shit's important!

**(James to Peter at 4:32 pm)**

**exACTLY**

**(James to Peter at 4:32 pm)**

**moony can go suck it**

(Peter to James at 4:33 pm)

heh dick joke

**(James to Peter at 4:34 pm)**

**pete, as much as it pains me to say it, now is not the time for a dick joke**

(Peter to James at 4:35 pm)

but i thought you said that there was always enough time for a dick joke :(

**(James to Peter at 4:36 pm)**

**not when a distressed padfoot is let loose on the world with terrible hair**

(Peter to James at 4:37 pm)

wise words

(Peter to James at 4:37 pm)

so you don't know where he is?

**(James to Peter at 4:38 pm)**

**not a clue**

(Peter to James at 4:39 pm)

have you tried talking to regulus?

**(James to Peter at 4:40 pm)**

***gasp***

**(James to Peter at 4:40 pm)**

**WORMY YOU'RE A GENIUS**

(Peter to James at 4:41 pm)

omg i'm a genius

**(James to Peter at 4:42 pm)**

**i'm gonna go text regulus right away!**

(Peter to James at 4:43 pm)

tell him i'm a genius

(Peter to James at 4:43 pm)

you know what nvm he probably already knows

(Peter to James at 4:43 pm)

i mean, who doesn't? ha ha am i right?

(Peter to James at 4:45 pm)

hello?

(Peter to James at 4:47 pm)

hellooooo?

(Peter to James at 4:47 pm)

*sigh*

:

:

:

**(James to Regulus at 4:43 pm)**

***slams hands down on interrogation table* WHERE IS HE?!**

_(Regulus to James at 4:44 pm)_

_please go fuck yourself potter_

**(James to Regulus at 4:45 pm)**

**look reggie, we can do this the easy way, or…**

**(James to Regulus at 4:45 pm)**

***takes off glasses dramatically***

**(James to Regulus at 4:45 pm)**

**the HARD way**

_(Regulus to James at 4:46 pm)_

_i'm too busy to deal with your shit_

_(Regulus to James at 4:46 pm)_

_go play with sirius_

**(James to Regulus at 4:47 pm)**

**here's the thing**

**(James to Regulus at 4:47 pm)**

**sirius is missing**

_(Regulus to James at 4:48 pm)_

_so?_

**(James to Regulus at 4:49 pm)**

**you're his brother**

_(Regulus to James at 4:50 pm)_

_so?_

**(James to Regulus at 4:51 pm)**

**so you should know where he is**

_(James to Regulus at 4:52 pm)_

_i don't keep tabs on him_

**(James to Regulus at 4:53 pm)**

**alright regulus, if you want to pretend that you don't give a fuck about your older brother, be my guest**

**(James to Regulus at 4:53 pm)**

**but i know the truth**

_(Regulus to James at 4:54 pm)_

_oh really_

**(James to Regulus at 4:55 pm)**

**oh YES really you sarcastic little shit**

**(James to Regulus at 4:55 pm)**

**i know deep down in that three sizes too small heart of yours you genuinely care about sirius**

**(James to Regulus at 4:55 pm)**

**and you only pretend to be all high and mighty and above him because that's what your parents do**

**(James to Regulus at 4:55 pm)**

**so you sneer at him because he's lazy and disrespectful and doesn't conform to your conservative views**

**(James to Regulus at 4:55 pm)**

**and because he has better hair than you**

_(Regulus to James at 4:56 pm)_

_he does not have better hair than me_

**(James to Regulus at 4:57 pm)**

**whatever helps you sleep at night buddy**

**(James to Regulus at 4:57 pm)**

**so what's it gonna be? let your brother stay lost and alone or lend his best friend a helping hand?**

_(Regulus to James at 4:58 pm)_

_…_

_(Regulus to James at 4:58 pm)_

_he's at the playground across the street from our house_

**(James to Regulus at 4:59 pm)**

**thxs reggie i owe you one**

_(Regulus to James at 5:00 pm)_

_yes you do_

_(Regulus to James at 5:01 pm)_

_and don't call me reggie_

:

:

:

**(James to Sirius at 5:10 pm)**

**sirius?**

**(James to Sirius at 5:10 pm)**

**i'm at the park buddy where you at?**

**(James to Sirius at 5:12 pm)**

**hold up i think i see you**

**(James to Sirius at 5:13 pm)**

**wait**

**(James to Sirius at 5:14 pm)**

**that's just a homeless man with a strangely attractive jawline**

**(James to Sirius at 5:14 pm)**

**who is now smiling at me**

**(James to Sirius at 5:14 pm)**

**he has no teeth**

**(James to Sirius at 5:25 pm)**

**SIRIUS WHERE R U**

**(James to Sirius at 5:36 pm)**

**wait a gosh darn second…**

**(James to Sirius at 5:36 pm)**

**i see you!**

**(James to Sirius at 5:36 pm)**

**ur by the fountain!**

**(James to Sirius at 5:37 pm)**

**oh shit doN'T YOU DARE RUN AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE FUCK**

**(James to Sirius at 5:37 pm)**

**DO YOU KNOW THE HORRORS I HAD TO ENDURE TO FIND YOU?!**

**(James to Sirius at 5:37 pm)**

**MOONY CALLED ME A LUNCHBOX**

**(James to Sirius at 5:37 pm)**

**A MOTHERFUCKING LUNCHBOX**

**(James to Sirius at 5:39 pm)**

**STOP LAUGHING YOU PEICE OF POO**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James ended up tackling Sirius and dragging him home to go fix his hair with peanut butter. Sirius didn't talk to Lily for a week, and James didn't talk to Remus for a month. Remus got a lot of sleep that month.


	5. Fucking Fire Hydrants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So I know that a bunch of you are wondering why I haven't been updating anything lately, and the answer to that is rather long. Just know that I've been very busy lately, but I decided to update this because it's easy and fun for me to do and I figure it will get me in the mood to start updating my major stories.
> 
> So Lynae from ao3 suggested that I have Sirius ask Remus out in a non txt chapter and while that sounds fun, I'd like to keep this "story" as just like fun little snapshots without any real plot even though I totally ship wolfstar and all that. HOWEVER, I made this lil chapter with her suggestion in mind, and I figure if ya' want to see it as wolfstar, go right ahead.

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:50 pm)_

_moony_

(Remus to Sirius at 1:51 pm)

Sirius I'm kinda busy at the moment text me later

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:52 pm)_

_moony_

(Remus to Sirius at 1:53 pm)

I'm serious leave me alone

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:54 pm)_

_moony_

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:55 pm)_

_moony this is kinda important i need ur help_

(Remus to Sirius at 1:56 pm)

I really don't have the time for your shenanigans right now

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:57 pm)_

_how the hell do you know how to spell the word shenanginnies?_

(Remus to Sirius at 1:58 pm)

I read

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:59 pm)_

_*gasp*_

_(Sirius to Remus at 1:59 pm)_

_wtf man i thought you got clean of that sickening hobby years ago_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:00 pm)

Go bother someone else

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:01 pm)_

_no no no wait this is actually important i need ur help_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:02 pm)

…How important?

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:03 pm)_

_very_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:03 pm)_

_like life or death_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:04 pm)

Fine

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:05 pm)_

_alright so hypothetically_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:06 pm)

Shit

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:07 pm)_

_no no no i said hypothetically!_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:08 pm)

Sirius, the last time you used the word "hypothetically", Peter got a toaster glued to his ass for five hours

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:09 pm)_

_heh_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:09 pm)_

_i guess u could say his buns were_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:10 pm)

Don't you fucking dare

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:11 pm)_

_toasted_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:12 pm)

I swear to fuck I will FIND your hair gel and I will BURN it

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:13 pm)_

_alright don't get ur knickers in a knot ill get to the point_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:13 pm)_

_so say that a person is walking down the street_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:14 pm)

Does it matter what street?

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_no_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_sort of_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_let me finish_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_so say a person is walking down the street and a sudden thought hits them_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_a very URGENT thought_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_a thought that goes something along the lines of_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:15 pm)_

_"_ _i really need to take a piss"_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:16 pm)

I'm so fucking done with you right now

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:17 pm)_

_shut ur face bitch im still telling the story_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:17 pm)_

_so this person is in a rather serious dilemma_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:18 pm)

Are we still pretending that "this person" isn't you?

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:19 pm)_

_are we still pretending that ur not a literal shit lord made of pure sarcasm and hurtful words?_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:20 pm)

Oooh someone's a bit testy today

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:21 pm)_

_u would be too if u went through what i just went through_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:22 pm)_

_now as i was SAYING_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:22 pm)_

_so this person really has to piss_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:22 pm)_

_and it's the bad kind of piss…like the kind that seems to flood up into your brain_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:23 pm)

Thank you for the disgusting imagery which makes no sense

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:24 pm)_

_ur welcome fucktruck_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:24 pm)_

_and this person decides that they need to find a way to pee RIGHT THE FUCK NOW or some bad shit is gonna happen (perhaps literally lol)_

_(Sirius ot Remus at 2:24 pm)_

_but there are no restrooms around_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:25 pm)

Sirius…

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:26 pm)_

_and there are no alleyways to duck into either_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:27 pm)

If this is going where I think it is going I swear to god I will smother you with your pillow while you sleep

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:28 pm)_

_granted there's nobody walking the streets but still it doesn't feel right to just pee on a building or something_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:28 pm)_

_and then it appears_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:28 pm)_

_the fire hydrant_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:29 pm)

What?

(Remus to Sirius at 2:29 pm)

Wait

(Remus to Sirius at 2:29 pm)

NO

(Remus to Sirius at 2:29 pm)

Sirius please tell me you didn't piss on a fire hydrant PLEASE tell me that's not what happened for the love of my sanity just say you didn't do that

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:30 pm)_

_uh_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:30 pm)_

_you really want me to say exactly that?_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:30 pm)_

_like…word for word? or can i omit a few?_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:31 pm)

I can't believe it

(Remus to Sirius at 2:31 pm)

I honestly can't believe it

(Remus to Sirius at 2:31 pm)

You actually pissed on a fire hydrant

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:32 pm)_

_yo i never mentioned my name i was just laying out a hypothetical situation, dawg_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:33 pm)

Sirius

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:34 pm)_

_ok so what if i DID piss on a fire hydrant? it's not like anybody saw_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:35 pm)

I think I'm going to be sick

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:36 pm)_

_oh shut it ya big pansy dogs do it all the time_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:37 pm)

For the last time just because we call you Padfoot does NOT mean you're a dog!

(Remus to Sirius at 2:37 pm)

You're a HUMAN

(Remus to Sirius at 2:37 pm)

Humans do not piss on inanimate objects in public!

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:38 pm)_

_tell that to prongs_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:39 pm)

what

_(Sirus to Remus at 2:40 pm)_

_what_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:41 pm)

What did Prongs do?

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:42 pm)_

_nothing! i thought this conversation was about me!_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:43 pm)

It was until you mentioned prongs in the context of PISSING IN PUBLIC

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:44 pm)_

_look it's not as bad as it sounds_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:45 pm)

Really?! Because it sounds like both you and James peed on something you shouldn't have!

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:46 pm)_

_…_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:47 pm)_

_ok so maybe it's as bad as it sounds_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:48 pm)

Jesus fucking CHRIST

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:49 pm)_

_look there's a simple explanation for all of this_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:50 pm)

Somehow, I doubt it

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:51 pm)_

_so remember this morning when i challenged peter to a juice drinking contest?_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:52 pm)

No

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:53 pm)_

_oh_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:53 pm)_

_so this morning i challenged peter to a juice drinking contest_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:54 pm)

Yes I got that please go on

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:55 pm)_

_and afterwards i was making my way down to evan's place because i figured james would be there_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:55 pm)_

_because you know…_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:55 pm)_

_they had themselves a lil sleep over last night ;)))_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:56 pm)

Moving on

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:57 pm)_

_they had themselves a lil hump de hump_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:57 pm)_

_rolled in the hay_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:57 pm)_

_did the do_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:57 pm)_

_played hide the zucchini_

(Remus to Sirius at 2:58 pm)

MOVING ON

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:59 pm)_

_right right sorry just wanted to make sure you understood what i was talking about_

_(Sirius to Remus at 2:59 pm)_

_with you being a prude and all it's a bit hard to know what will go over your head_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:00 pm)

I am not a prude

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:01 pm)_

_trust me i KNOW_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:01 pm)_

_i was the one who found that graphic romance novel under your pillow_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:01 pm)_

_what was it called again?_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:02 pm)

For the last time that book was not mine! One of you put it there!

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:03 pm)_

_i think it was called "Moon's Passion"_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:03 pm)_

_pretty sure it had a naked werewolf on the cover_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:04 pm)

If you continue to tease me I will refuse to answer and help you with your stupid life

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:05 pm)_

_tee hee ok ill stop_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:05 pm)_

_now back to the perfectly reasonable explanation for why I'm in a dumpster right now_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:06 pm)

Wait what

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:07 pm)_

_so i beat peter in the juice drinking contest because he gave up when he remembered he's like allergic to oranges or something idk i can't remember_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:08 pm)

Wait Sirius are you in a dumpster right now?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:09 pm)_

_and i start making my way to evan's so i can rub my victory in prong's face because he only WISHES he had my juice drinking skills_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:10 pm)

You're in a fucking dumpster and I'm not the least bit surprised

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:11 pm)_

_and it's then that my bladder decides to be a huge fucking dick and informs my brain that HOLY SHIT THIS MOTHER FUCKER HAS TO PISS EXACTLY NOW_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:12 pm)

I hate you

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:13 pm)_

_and i happen to set my eyes upon a fire hydrant and i figure that no one's looking and dogs do it all the time so i whip out my willy_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:14 pm)

What the fuck is wrong with you

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:15 pm)_

_and i do my business and i'm zipping up when prongs suddenly sprints towards me_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:15 pm)_

_because apparently one of evan's neighbors saw me and informed james that they were going to call the cops on the handsome young man who was giving the fire hydrant a golden shower_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:16 pm)

I'm literally banging my head against a wall right now. Maybe if I hit the right spot I'll go into a coma and wake up when you decide to be a normal fucking human being

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:17 pm)_

_oh quit your whining things got better_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:18 pm)

How?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:19 pm)_

_james had a plan_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:20 pm)

SIRIUS THAT IS NOT BETTER THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF BETTER

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:21 pm)_

_but it was a good plan!_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:21 pm)_

_…_ _in theory_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:22 pm)

I think I'm going to cry

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:23 pm)_

_so james says to me "from the back i sort of look like you"_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:23 pm)_

_and I'm like "bitch please you wish your ass was as fine as mine"_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:23 pm)_

_and then he hit me because apparently the situation did not require ass bragging_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:23 pm)_

_which is stupid because literally every situation requires ass bragging_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:24 pm)

Yup. I'm crying. Tears are coming out of my eyes.

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:25 pm)_

_and then he tells me that the neighbor who spotted my shame has extremely poor eyesight and sees double sometimes and is also rather senile_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:25 pm)_

_so if james stands next to me she might think that she's seeing double again and won't call the fuzz_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:25 pm)_

_of course in order for this plan to work james had to piss on the fire hydrant too_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:26 pm)

NO HE DIDN'T

(Remus to Sirius at 3:26 pm)

HE LITERALLY JUST HAD TO STAND NEXT TO YOU

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:27 pm)_

_yeah but c'mon do you really think james is gonna pass up the opportunity to piss on something he's not supposed to piss on?_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:28 pm)

I am regretting every choice I made that could have possibly lead me to this moment

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:29 pm)_

_so prongs does his business and i act like a good mate and turn my back to him and only sneak a peek twice_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:29 pm)_

_but then we hear the wail of sirens_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:29 pm)_

_so, the two of us being the logical geniuses that we are, decide to do the one thing that will solve this problem_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:30 pm)

You hid in a dumpster

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:31 pm)_

_we hid in a dumpster_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:32 pm)

Ok. Here's how I'm going to approach this. I'm going to take a deep breath and ignore the surreal stupidity that is my life, and I am going to ask you a few simple questions which you are going to answer in the most mature way possible, understand?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:33 pm)_

_yup_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:34 pm)

Good. First question. Are you still in the dumpster with James?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:35 pm)_

_yup_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:36 pm)

Are you aware that it has been more than an hour since you started this horrible conversation with me?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:37 pm)_

_yup_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:38 pm)

Are the police still there?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:39 pm)_

_yup_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:39 pm)_

_most of them left but there's a mean looking lady with a rather large taser_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:39 pm)_

_do you ever think about what it would feel like to get tased or is that just me?_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:40 pm)

Sirius you are not allowed to get tased

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:41 pm)_

_ugh you never let me do ANYTHING_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:42 pm)

May I remind you that you are currently hiding from the police in a dumpster after pissing on a fire hydrant in public

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:43 pm)_

_which you will never let me do again, you hard ass_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:44 pm)

I just…I just can't right now. Is James there? Can I talk to him?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:45 pm)_

_uh_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:46 pm)_

_he's kinda busy right now_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:47 pm)

What's he doing?

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:48 pm)_

_he's talking on the phone to evans_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:49 pm)_

_and she's kinda pissed_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:49 pm)_

_and I'm kinda scared_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:49 pm)_

_because she also finds this funny_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:49 pm)_

_so she's switching between laughing her ass off and scolding james_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:49 pm)_

_and i think he's getting turned on by it and omg get me out of this dumpster RIGHT NOW MOONY_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:50 pm)

You know what? Maybe I won't

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:51 pm)_

_what_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:51 pm)

I think I'm going to call up Lily and have tea with her

(Remus to Sirius at 3:51 pm)

The girl needs a break

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:52 pm)_

_no moony no don't do it don't leave me here_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:54 pm)_

_remus i s2g PLS_

_(Sirius to Remus at 3:56 pm)_

_REMUS NO_

(Remus to Sirius at 3:57 pm)

Remus yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo there. I hope ya'll enjoyed this latest installment, and if anyone knows someone who I can convince to draw Peter with a toaster glued to his ass, I could die happy.

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason I really like the image of a glitter-fied half naked Sirius angrily texting. He’d have a really serious expression on his face. It’d be glorious.
> 
> Again, I don’t know what this is, but it could turn out to be something cool and fun for me, so there. If you like it, please let me know.
> 
> (Btw, if you’re curious, Sirius never told anyone why he was covered in glitter, and to this day Remus still thinks he works part time as a stripper.)


End file.
